eHarmony Blog

eHarmony, a predominantly Christian matchmaking website, of course has its share of Christians on the extreme side. We were chatting with our matches last weekend about this and they had different terms for these over-the-edge Jesus worshippers. We figure we could do a public service by listing all of such terms, so we can sort the matches we get on eHarmony.

These definitions come from the user-submitted dictionary website urbandictionary.com. “Up/down” refer to member ratings.

(Note: This was made in the spirit of fun.)

bible thumper — 164 up, 24 down
One who uses the Bible to attack/defame others’ characters instead of as a guide to proper living. These people tend to be depressingly ignorant of anything else except the Bible and behavior as expected by the religious.

fundie — 113 up, 12 down
1) Abbreviation of “fundamentalist”;
2) Often a sola scriptura non-denominational born-again Christian;
3) Self-proclaimed “Jesus Freak” who spouts half-understood scripture at the drop of a hat;
4) General term for any teenage/preteen “pop” Christian who shows an extraordinary lack of tolerance/understanding for other religions (including any other denomination of Christianity);
A person, usually heavily right-winged christian, who tries to force his religion and ideas down other people’s throats. Impossible to argue with, because they always use the bible as proof that they are right. Try to censor everything. When anyone tries to stop them, they claim they are being oppressed, and the “oppressor” is a liberal activist who is against people of faith. Takes the bible waaaaay too literally. Laughs whenever they are beaten in a debate, stating cockily, “Well, I win ’cause you’re going to hell.”

Jesus freak — 76 up, 26 down
Someone who displays an unusual or embarrasing amount of enthusiasm for Jesus; Someone who has a bracelet, bumper sticker, t-shirt, etc., with Christian phrases on it. Is a born again Christian. Goes to church. Talks freely to many people about their beliefs. Has the fire of Jesus in their heart.

born-again christian — 44 up, 19 down
born again christians are the sect of christianty for people who fucked it up the first time around. They believe that redemption will come from following the bible more literally than god would ever wish, to the point which their ideology becomes culty and near immoral. born-agains are extremely hypocritical and their misuse of god’s texts and discriminatory views give Christianity a bad name. Ironically, it is these people who preach their superiority that are the biggest jack-asses. And then they have the nerve to look you in the face, after they have just finished bad mouthing gays and other religions, and preach the superiority of their ideology.

Example:
born-again: omg i hate her…anyways you shoudl really accept jesus in your heart…
reply: woah dont get all born-again on me- or god will take away your soul

bible banger — 35 up, 13 down
These are extremely Christian individuals who strive to spread the word of God to others. By “spread”, it means shoving it down other peoples throats. These individuals can often be found reciting Bible verses. They will try to baptise, chastise, and flood any unsuspecting persons with God’s glorious word. They live lives immersed in the Bible and preaching its teachings and think everyone else should too. Lastly, if you see/meet anyone fitting these characteristics, run. Run as far and as fast as you can.

holy roller — 31 up, 15 down
A devout Christian who oppresses others’ beliefs under the condition that those beliefs are inconsistant with the oppressor’s. See also psychotic neofacist bitch.

angry christian — 26 up, 37 down
An angry Christian is a person who believes in Jesus Christ, attends church regularly, and has been baptized. He or she also believes in no other good religions, and that Christianity is the best religion ever, and the only “true religion”. Most angry Christians are blatantly ignorant, pretty stupid, and look rather scary when they’re angry. Waving fiery emblems of Christianity is optional when forcing others to convert.

Christhole — 18 up, 9 down
A Christian who sees nothing wrong in threatening, and or killing another who disagrees with their beliefs or opinions.

hypochristian , also hypochrist — 15 up, 3 down
Contraction of the words ‘hypocrite’ and ‘Christian’. Any Christian who claims to follow the teaching of Christ but whose belief structure, values and/or actions directly contradict such a claim. Typically, hypochristians support things such as the Death Penalty, engage in heavily in proselytizing and judgement of others whose beliefs differ from theirs. Additionally, they often oppose things that go against their beliefs such as gay marriage, evolution, and other scientific law amidst wide amounts of ethical, scientific, moral, and logical arguements (even within their own supposed claim of beliefs) that would prove otherwise. Hypochristians are best categorized as individuals so stubbornly and fanatically devoted to their beliefs that they border on sheer stupidity.

christard – 10 up, 6 down
A fudamentalist Christian, devout to the point of mental retardation. A non-thinking person of Christian faith.

christgasm — 6 up, 6 down
What happens to fundie kids at rock concerts. Supposedly keeps you from being a horny teenager. No need to change pants afterwards.

Christianese — 5 thumbs up
Christianese is the language spoken by Christians. It makes no sense to anyone unfamiliar with biblical texts, but earns you major points in the eyes of other Christians, because it means your words are hella holy. Common examples include: old man/new man, unblemished lamb, fruit of the spirit, washed in the blood, and let’s not forget the ever popular born again.

Example:
Christian: Brother, I felt like I was really backsliding, so I crucified my old man and put on my new man, and now the fruit of the spirit is evident in my life!
Non-Christian: What the hell did you just say? You speakin’ Christianese?

Christian Warrior — 2 thumbs up
A Christian Warrior is someone who is not afraid to pick up thier cross and follow Christ. They know that to live is Christ, and to die is gain, and they are willing to give what they cannot keep to gain what they cannot lose.